First, a bit of housekeeping. When I posted the entry below called “The Case,” I included a link copied from the Sheriff’s department website that was supposed to take you to the profile and mug shot of the person who caused the accident. I realized today that the link was connected to the wrong suspect. I have fixed it, and if you click on it now, it will take you to the right record.
Now on to the real topic of the day -
This blog thing seems to be helping me. Much more than I anticipated, actually. When I am really overwhelmed by something, and I write it down, the pressure, frustration, pain, sadness, or whatever I feel eases considerably. The feelings are still there, but they are much more manageable, and I seem to be able to breathe more easily.
Another thing that is really helping is hearing from all of you. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement you are providing. Some of you have chosen to be public about the fact that you read this, and have listed yourself as Followers. Many more have called or emailed to let me know that you are reading. A couple of you have told me that you read the whole thing, from the very first entry, every single day. Others have said that after a new entry, you talk about it at work with co-workers who also read it, and remember him together. I suspect there are others who read it, but have given me no sign.
Lots of you have thanked me for sharing my thoughts and feelings, because it is helping you cope with losing him. This is a reaction I never expected – I knew it would help you know what was going on with me, but had not realized it might help with your own sadness. I am glad it has. I often hear that reading makes you cry. That is never my intent, but I guess it’s part of the package right about now.
Some have wondered about how the kids, his parents, and other family members are doing. I appreciate you asking, and I know they do too, but I intentionally do not write about them. I don’t think it’s right for me to speak for them - this experience is too personal and individual. I could not possibly accurately represent how they are doing (I have enough trouble trying to capture my own feelings in any logical and understandable way!). I will say that they have found the same thing I have – that our feelings change constantly, that much of what we are feeling is unexpected, that this is not a predictable or logical process. That’s about all that I can say on their behalf. I also don’t post pictures of them (at least not current ones) because I feel that it’s not my place to post anything with them on it in such a public forum. (Note to family – if you do want to say something, email it to me and I will post it.)
When I started the blog, I was struggling with being surrounded each day by people who did not know him and do not talk about him. I continue to have a hard time with this. But by writing about him and about the experience of losing him, I have figured out that the issue is bigger than people not talking about him. I find that when I write an entry, I often have an unbidden sense of relief as I finish. In my analytical way, I tried to figure out why - where was relief coming from?
And that's how writing and “publishing” all of this helped me identify one of my biggest issues. Here it is – I have a tremendous fear that Kirk will be forgotten. I had not consciously realized that I was worried about this until I realized that the relief came from feeling like I have created a record of him out in the world, for anyone to see, that no one can take away. A memorial of sorts, I guess. That was never my intent, but it is a key part of what is helping me. I know logically that those of you who knew him well will not forget him. He had too big of a personality for that. But as I have learned, logic does not triumph over emotion right now, and emotionally, I still fear he will not live on in your minds. That’s why I like that so many people seem to be reading this. By writing it, and you reading it, I get to poke you – remember him, remember him, remember him…
He was certainly worth remembering, wasn’t he? I feel like in a way we literally owe it to him. If you really knew Kirk, I know he gave you something. It may have been advice, service, help, perspective, or encouragement. Maybe he challenged you to think beyond your own opinion or to be better at something than you thought you could be – he did that for lots of people. He may have loved you, and if he did you are really fortunate. He most likely gave you LOTS of food and hospitality. But if nothing else, he gave you laughter – even more laughter than food. It was the very essence of Kirk – humor. The least we can do in return is think about him sometimes, tell a story about him, smile to ourselves about him. Not every minute, maybe not even every day, depending on how close you were to him. But sometimes, remember him.
What will we remember? I mean SPECIFICALLY what will any of us retain of him? One of the things I hate is that even for me, some things are blurry – and getting more blurry as time passes. I know there are events, stories, experiences that I am not retaining, and I want every single one. I am starting to not remember exactly what he looked like - I know he had a scar about a centimeter long on one cheek, but which cheek? And why don’t I know how he got it? I also can’t hear his voice in my head at all – I have to listen to it recorded. So what do I remember? I saw a quote the other day from Maya Angelou that describes it perfectly. “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” That’s it for me – more than anything I remember how he made me feel.
Unlike most of us, he had no wish to die peacefully, of old age, in his sleep. Nothing so tame for him. He always told me that he wanted to live to be old, and then die saving the life of a child. He thought it would be perfect to live a long life and then have it end as he rescued someone with a lot of living yet to do. He didn’t get his wish, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t leave something worth remembering. So keep reading, okay? I’ll keep poking.
We ♥ Kirk.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
An Ordinary Day
Today was a day that was ordinary by most standards, but that was composed of lots of baby steps for me. I started off by going to pick up the boat from the dealer. The week before the accident, Kirk was out on the lake with the boat, and someone hit the trailer while it was parked. He came back to find it damaged. I have been waiting for the fender to come in from the factory – it is a custom color and had to be ordered. Two weeks ago, my friend Leon came over and we towed it in to have it fixed, and today we picked it up. While I was there, I talked to them about selling it for me. That was the baby step. It breaks my heart to think about selling it. We agreed that I would think about what I want for it and when I am ready they will sell it on consignment. In order to do that, I will have to empty out all the compartments in the boat. That will be a giant step. Inside are his poles, lures, tools, and all the other paraphernalia of a day on the boat. I dread it. We were so happy on that boat.
Then I went and had a massage. I decided to do it because I need to be touched. I miss touch so much. The only person who touches me for any length of time is my hairdresser, when he washes my hair. I cry every time. I decided I better find a way to get touched more, and this was the only legal thing I could think of :). It was pretty nice and I only cried a little. But the weirdest part was that when it was over, and I was getting dressed, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had done something wrong – almost like I betrayed him by letting someone touch me. I don’t know why – he would be happy I had a massage. But it still felt awful. I will go again though – I think it will help me eventually.
Then I went to look for a new car. I really like the Avalanche – it is great to drive, and more importantly, it was his. I hate to give it up, but I need to – a truck does not make sense for my needs. So I started car shopping. I didn’t want to do it alone – too often car salespeople act like you don’t have a brain if you are a woman alone. But I decided not to ask a man to help – I might as well get used to this. The tough part of it was that you could just feel them wanting to ask what my deal was. They see my wedding ring, and ask if I will be purchasing the car jointly. I just say no. They ask how I qualify for the GM discount, and I say through my father-in-law. You can feel the question I will not answer hanging in the air. Then they show me the car, and every feature made for two people hurts. Dual zone climate control. Memory seats with a button for each driver. Separate favorites settings for the radio. As they point out all these features, all I can think is that I don’t need them. One of all these settings will go unused.
Then I grocery shopped. I obviously have been doing it since I lost him. I never did it when he was here. Up until today I have been okay with it, but today in Super WalMart I had an overwhelming moment where I was so resentful I literally felt like I wanted to scream. I don’t want to grocery shop. I shouldn’t have to grocery shop. It‘s not fair or right that I have to.
Just a day filled with the tasks and errands that most people do. Filled with challenges that most people don’t have to face. It’s the new ordinary for me. I am, unfortunately, getting used to it.
Then I went and had a massage. I decided to do it because I need to be touched. I miss touch so much. The only person who touches me for any length of time is my hairdresser, when he washes my hair. I cry every time. I decided I better find a way to get touched more, and this was the only legal thing I could think of :). It was pretty nice and I only cried a little. But the weirdest part was that when it was over, and I was getting dressed, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had done something wrong – almost like I betrayed him by letting someone touch me. I don’t know why – he would be happy I had a massage. But it still felt awful. I will go again though – I think it will help me eventually.
Then I went to look for a new car. I really like the Avalanche – it is great to drive, and more importantly, it was his. I hate to give it up, but I need to – a truck does not make sense for my needs. So I started car shopping. I didn’t want to do it alone – too often car salespeople act like you don’t have a brain if you are a woman alone. But I decided not to ask a man to help – I might as well get used to this. The tough part of it was that you could just feel them wanting to ask what my deal was. They see my wedding ring, and ask if I will be purchasing the car jointly. I just say no. They ask how I qualify for the GM discount, and I say through my father-in-law. You can feel the question I will not answer hanging in the air. Then they show me the car, and every feature made for two people hurts. Dual zone climate control. Memory seats with a button for each driver. Separate favorites settings for the radio. As they point out all these features, all I can think is that I don’t need them. One of all these settings will go unused.
Then I grocery shopped. I obviously have been doing it since I lost him. I never did it when he was here. Up until today I have been okay with it, but today in Super WalMart I had an overwhelming moment where I was so resentful I literally felt like I wanted to scream. I don’t want to grocery shop. I shouldn’t have to grocery shop. It‘s not fair or right that I have to.
Just a day filled with the tasks and errands that most people do. Filled with challenges that most people don’t have to face. It’s the new ordinary for me. I am, unfortunately, getting used to it.
The Case
Here is an update on the status of the case against the other driver. Since not everyone knows the history of the whole thing, I will start from the beginning.
The name of the other driver is David Nathanial Cook. He is 20 years old and lives a little over an hour east of where we live. He lives with his dad and his sister. It is my understanding that he has no history of accidents or criminal charges.
Before the accident, he left home and traveled west. He told the police that he was going to a town halfway in between our two towns to see a friend. However, he says he never ended up seeing the friend – instead he kept heading west, going nowhere in particular; he says he was just driving. He eventually came to Rt 156, which runs due north/south through the our town. He turned south on Rt 156, heading toward town. At some point he began traveling at very high speed. We had originally been told that people saw him driving like this and called 911, but that turned out to be untrue.
Just before the accident, a police officer was setting up a radar trap on Rt. 156. He pulled off to the side of the road, pointing north. The officer got out of the car and was standing near it when he saw Cook coming toward him, heading south at very high speed. Just after the officer saw him, Cook attempted to pass the car ahead of him, and started to lose control of the car. He crossed fully through the northbound lane and nearly hit the officer, then pulled back into the southbound lane. The officer got into the car and pulled out, doing a u-turn to get behind Cook. After the u-turn, Cook again crossed the center of the road, and hit Kirk.
For some reason, I’m not sure why, the officer chose to go to Cook’s car (this bothers me – why didn’t he go to Kirk?). Meanwhile witnesses who stopped went to try to help Kirk. It is my understanding there were two people, a man and a woman, who went to his car, but they couldn’t do anything; he was too badly hurt and passed away very fast after they got there. The police officer found Cook in his car conscious. I believe his leg was stuck – he was saying it was hurt. Because of the severity of the accident, a helicopter was called to transport him to the hospital. Before getting in, he told the officer he had been traveling 110 mph. I am told the officer was extremely distraught and angry, and repeatedly yelled at Cook that he had killed someone. According to the police, he did not react or seem concerned. One thing that is very strange is that Cook was driving barefoot and had no pants on – just boxer shorts. He gave no explanation for why. One theory is that he actually did go see the person he was supposed to see and that something happened there to cause him to be partially undressed and to leave there without getting dressed.
Cook had a broken foot and was released that night. Due to the necessity of attending to his medical needs, he was not given a breathalyzer, but blood for a drug and alcohol test was taken at the hospital (the results came back recently, and they were completely clean).
The next day, the police went to his home to interview him. He still offered no explanation for anything. According to the police, the house he lived in seems to revolve around him. The dining room was set up as a game and weight room for him, with a big screen TV, video systems, and weight lifting equipment. He and his father talked quite a bit about his success as a high school football player, and said that he was scheduled to start playing semi-pro football in August for a team based out of San Antonio. The family dynamic appears to be that the sister takes orders from him. The impression of the police from their observations and what they heard from the family is that he had been the football hero in high school, and had been the center of attention and not held accountable for his behavior for most of his life.
They decided to arrest him and charge him with manslaughter. Normally they would not have made an arrest until after the tests were back, and until the accident scene reconstruction was complete. However, they were concerned that if he started the football job they might be unable to locate him when they wanted to arrest him. They made the arrest at his house that day. He went to jail, made bail and was released. For anyone who wants to see it, you can view his arrest record and a link to his mug shot here:
http://justice.dentoncounty.com/isapi/UVlink.isa/dentonco/WEBSERV/JailSearch?action%253Dview%26track%253D231965329
The next step is for the police to send the case to the DA. It is ready to go except for the fact that the accident reconstruction is still not available. The reconstruction is the mathematical analysis that will provide hard evidence of exactly what happened, how fast he was going, etc. The problem is that our police department is too small to have someone trained to do this on their staff, so they rely on neighboring jurisdictions to help. The person doing the work has his own job to do, and apparently it takes priority over the work he does for our town. I spoke to the Chief of Police of our town yesterday, and he says he was told that the report is now done, but that the guy who did it is on vacation, and they will have him send it over when he gets back next week. I’ll believe it when I see it. Up until now, I haven’t known his name and the town he works for, but I found out yesterday. If it doesn’t come next week, I will start calling over there because it is ridiculous that it is taking so long.
At any rate, once the our police have it, they will send the case to the DA, who will decide if they want to stick with the manslaughter charge, or charge him with a higher crime. I am told the options would be either aggravated assault or criminally negligent homicide, both of which are more serious charges. The manslaughter charge carries a penalty of 2 – 20 years; I’m not sure about the higher charges. After they decide, the case will go to a grand jury. I’m told this will probably not happen for about 3 months after the DA gets the case. Assuming the grand jury returns an indictment (I’m told there is 100% confidence that they will), it will be assigned to a different DA to prepare for trial. It will probably take 6 to 12 months from that point to get to trial.
I try to make sure I do not count on punishment for him to help me recover. I go through phases of how I feel. Sometimes I want him held responsible, sometimes I almost don’t even care – it doesn’t change the outcome. I am told that the DA will consult with us about their decision regarding potential charges as well as the possibility of a plea bargain – hopefully that’s true.
So this is what I know for now. Sorry it was so long – it’s a lot to explain. I’ll keep you posted – thanks for listening.
The name of the other driver is David Nathanial Cook. He is 20 years old and lives a little over an hour east of where we live. He lives with his dad and his sister. It is my understanding that he has no history of accidents or criminal charges.
Before the accident, he left home and traveled west. He told the police that he was going to a town halfway in between our two towns to see a friend. However, he says he never ended up seeing the friend – instead he kept heading west, going nowhere in particular; he says he was just driving. He eventually came to Rt 156, which runs due north/south through the our town. He turned south on Rt 156, heading toward town. At some point he began traveling at very high speed. We had originally been told that people saw him driving like this and called 911, but that turned out to be untrue.
Just before the accident, a police officer was setting up a radar trap on Rt. 156. He pulled off to the side of the road, pointing north. The officer got out of the car and was standing near it when he saw Cook coming toward him, heading south at very high speed. Just after the officer saw him, Cook attempted to pass the car ahead of him, and started to lose control of the car. He crossed fully through the northbound lane and nearly hit the officer, then pulled back into the southbound lane. The officer got into the car and pulled out, doing a u-turn to get behind Cook. After the u-turn, Cook again crossed the center of the road, and hit Kirk.
For some reason, I’m not sure why, the officer chose to go to Cook’s car (this bothers me – why didn’t he go to Kirk?). Meanwhile witnesses who stopped went to try to help Kirk. It is my understanding there were two people, a man and a woman, who went to his car, but they couldn’t do anything; he was too badly hurt and passed away very fast after they got there. The police officer found Cook in his car conscious. I believe his leg was stuck – he was saying it was hurt. Because of the severity of the accident, a helicopter was called to transport him to the hospital. Before getting in, he told the officer he had been traveling 110 mph. I am told the officer was extremely distraught and angry, and repeatedly yelled at Cook that he had killed someone. According to the police, he did not react or seem concerned. One thing that is very strange is that Cook was driving barefoot and had no pants on – just boxer shorts. He gave no explanation for why. One theory is that he actually did go see the person he was supposed to see and that something happened there to cause him to be partially undressed and to leave there without getting dressed.
Cook had a broken foot and was released that night. Due to the necessity of attending to his medical needs, he was not given a breathalyzer, but blood for a drug and alcohol test was taken at the hospital (the results came back recently, and they were completely clean).
The next day, the police went to his home to interview him. He still offered no explanation for anything. According to the police, the house he lived in seems to revolve around him. The dining room was set up as a game and weight room for him, with a big screen TV, video systems, and weight lifting equipment. He and his father talked quite a bit about his success as a high school football player, and said that he was scheduled to start playing semi-pro football in August for a team based out of San Antonio. The family dynamic appears to be that the sister takes orders from him. The impression of the police from their observations and what they heard from the family is that he had been the football hero in high school, and had been the center of attention and not held accountable for his behavior for most of his life.
They decided to arrest him and charge him with manslaughter. Normally they would not have made an arrest until after the tests were back, and until the accident scene reconstruction was complete. However, they were concerned that if he started the football job they might be unable to locate him when they wanted to arrest him. They made the arrest at his house that day. He went to jail, made bail and was released. For anyone who wants to see it, you can view his arrest record and a link to his mug shot here:
http://justice.dentoncounty.com/isapi/UVlink.isa/dentonco/WEBSERV/JailSearch?action%253Dview%26track%253D231965329
The next step is for the police to send the case to the DA. It is ready to go except for the fact that the accident reconstruction is still not available. The reconstruction is the mathematical analysis that will provide hard evidence of exactly what happened, how fast he was going, etc. The problem is that our police department is too small to have someone trained to do this on their staff, so they rely on neighboring jurisdictions to help. The person doing the work has his own job to do, and apparently it takes priority over the work he does for our town. I spoke to the Chief of Police of our town yesterday, and he says he was told that the report is now done, but that the guy who did it is on vacation, and they will have him send it over when he gets back next week. I’ll believe it when I see it. Up until now, I haven’t known his name and the town he works for, but I found out yesterday. If it doesn’t come next week, I will start calling over there because it is ridiculous that it is taking so long.
At any rate, once the our police have it, they will send the case to the DA, who will decide if they want to stick with the manslaughter charge, or charge him with a higher crime. I am told the options would be either aggravated assault or criminally negligent homicide, both of which are more serious charges. The manslaughter charge carries a penalty of 2 – 20 years; I’m not sure about the higher charges. After they decide, the case will go to a grand jury. I’m told this will probably not happen for about 3 months after the DA gets the case. Assuming the grand jury returns an indictment (I’m told there is 100% confidence that they will), it will be assigned to a different DA to prepare for trial. It will probably take 6 to 12 months from that point to get to trial.
I try to make sure I do not count on punishment for him to help me recover. I go through phases of how I feel. Sometimes I want him held responsible, sometimes I almost don’t even care – it doesn’t change the outcome. I am told that the DA will consult with us about their decision regarding potential charges as well as the possibility of a plea bargain – hopefully that’s true.
So this is what I know for now. Sorry it was so long – it’s a lot to explain. I’ll keep you posted – thanks for listening.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Mr. Perfect
Let me start by saying this is a good post – I am in a grateful and appreciative mode, at least for the moment, so hopefully you won’t go away depressed.
I have been thinking a lot about who I remember him to be. I am trying not to make a saint out of him. All the books say that it helps to remember that he wasn’t perfect, and I know he wouldn’t want to be thought of as perfect. So I have been trying to remember his flaws, to remember him as human.
Here is what I have so far:
· He had a lot of gas, and considered it a source of both pride and amusement (I guess that just proves he was a guy)
· He chewed too loud
· He couldn’t throw away ANYTHING
· His butt crack showed when he bent over, and he didn’t care
· He procrastinated about chores
· He could be very impatient, and sometimes was short or abrupt
· He smelled pretty bad by the end of hunting season
That’s it – that’s all I’ve got. Pretty perfect, huh? Especially since none of that matters in the least (except maybe the gas…!).
What bugs me about the idea that remembering his flaws will help me deal with his loss is that it implies that because he wasn’t perfect, the marriage wasn’t perfect. And I guess it wasn’t “perfect” in the literal sense. To me, though, it was perfect. Not because we never disagreed, because we did. Not because we never noticed anyone of the opposite sex, because we did (as a matter of fact, I excelled at pointing out to him the pretty women in the freezer section of the grocery store – tee hee). Not because every minute was exciting, because it wasn’t.
So why do I feel like it was “perfect?” After some reflection, I think the answer lies in something our son Matt told me shortly after Kirk died. It was late at night and we were talking on the phone. I told Matt how proud Kirk was of him, and that I hoped he knew that his dad loved him so much, even if we were not always the best parents. He replied that we were the best parents. I said that I knew we really weren’t – we made some bad decisions at times, and there were definitely “do-overs” we would have taken if we could have. I will never forget his answer to me – it was probably the most perceptive thing anyone has ever said to me. He said that that being a great parent doesn’t come from getting it right every time – it comes from always trying to get it right. The actual things we did didn’t determine the quality of our parenting – the constant commitment and genuine attempts did. (All you parents out there are looking at parenting totally differently right now, aren’t you? Such wisdom from someone who is not yet a parent).
I have realized that Matt is right, and that this same thinking works for marriage. It’s not the end result that makes a perfect marriage – it’s the work, the attempts, the commitment, the perseverance (not to mention the laughter, the attraction, the friendship, and all the other easy, fun stuff). And the truth is that Kirk worked harder at it than I did. Not that I didn’t work hard – I did. But in the end, I bet that almost every one of you who is or has been married would agree that there is one person who works harder at the commitment and the appreciation than does the other. For us, that was him. He was the perfect husband – gas or no gas. I like to think that if he knows, wherever he is, that I’m saying this, he is puffing his chest up, sticking his elbows out, and walking around with that Kirk strut (you can see it in your mind can’t you?) and telling everyone he sees, “I’m the perfect husband!”
As inconceivable as it is now, I know myself well enough to know that someday I will probably want another partner. To quote Mr. T, “I pity the fool!” – the fool who has to follow Mr. Perfect.
I have been thinking a lot about who I remember him to be. I am trying not to make a saint out of him. All the books say that it helps to remember that he wasn’t perfect, and I know he wouldn’t want to be thought of as perfect. So I have been trying to remember his flaws, to remember him as human.
Here is what I have so far:
· He had a lot of gas, and considered it a source of both pride and amusement (I guess that just proves he was a guy)
· He chewed too loud
· He couldn’t throw away ANYTHING
· His butt crack showed when he bent over, and he didn’t care
· He procrastinated about chores
· He could be very impatient, and sometimes was short or abrupt
· He smelled pretty bad by the end of hunting season
That’s it – that’s all I’ve got. Pretty perfect, huh? Especially since none of that matters in the least (except maybe the gas…!).
What bugs me about the idea that remembering his flaws will help me deal with his loss is that it implies that because he wasn’t perfect, the marriage wasn’t perfect. And I guess it wasn’t “perfect” in the literal sense. To me, though, it was perfect. Not because we never disagreed, because we did. Not because we never noticed anyone of the opposite sex, because we did (as a matter of fact, I excelled at pointing out to him the pretty women in the freezer section of the grocery store – tee hee). Not because every minute was exciting, because it wasn’t.
So why do I feel like it was “perfect?” After some reflection, I think the answer lies in something our son Matt told me shortly after Kirk died. It was late at night and we were talking on the phone. I told Matt how proud Kirk was of him, and that I hoped he knew that his dad loved him so much, even if we were not always the best parents. He replied that we were the best parents. I said that I knew we really weren’t – we made some bad decisions at times, and there were definitely “do-overs” we would have taken if we could have. I will never forget his answer to me – it was probably the most perceptive thing anyone has ever said to me. He said that that being a great parent doesn’t come from getting it right every time – it comes from always trying to get it right. The actual things we did didn’t determine the quality of our parenting – the constant commitment and genuine attempts did. (All you parents out there are looking at parenting totally differently right now, aren’t you? Such wisdom from someone who is not yet a parent).
I have realized that Matt is right, and that this same thinking works for marriage. It’s not the end result that makes a perfect marriage – it’s the work, the attempts, the commitment, the perseverance (not to mention the laughter, the attraction, the friendship, and all the other easy, fun stuff). And the truth is that Kirk worked harder at it than I did. Not that I didn’t work hard – I did. But in the end, I bet that almost every one of you who is or has been married would agree that there is one person who works harder at the commitment and the appreciation than does the other. For us, that was him. He was the perfect husband – gas or no gas. I like to think that if he knows, wherever he is, that I’m saying this, he is puffing his chest up, sticking his elbows out, and walking around with that Kirk strut (you can see it in your mind can’t you?) and telling everyone he sees, “I’m the perfect husband!”
As inconceivable as it is now, I know myself well enough to know that someday I will probably want another partner. To quote Mr. T, “I pity the fool!” – the fool who has to follow Mr. Perfect.
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