Remembering to be Grateful

The last few days have been very difficult, and on top of everything else, I am struggling to sleep well. But I am trying to focus not just on what I have lost, but what I have to be grateful for. So far, this is what I am reminding myself of:

Almost thirty years together. There are not enough words to describe all I am grateful for in those years, so I won't even try. I just remind myself that many people don't get that much.

Two fantastic kids who have grown up to be good, decent, hardworking adults and who are more concerned about me right now than they are themselves. Kirk would be so proud of them.

A wonderful family of in-laws who support me and still want me in their family.

My own family who has shown themselves once again to be the most caring, understanding, and supportive people I could ever ask for.

Christmas 2008 - almost every single member of his family in our home - laughing, eating, playing games, eating, a few times arguing, sleeping everywhere you looked, and more eating (after all, Kirk was in the kitchen!)

Lots and lots and lots of friends - his, mine, and ours - who were there for us when the unthinkable happened, and who have not deserted us as so many people do.

The "secret life" I found after his death. Most women would worry that it would be an affair, or gambling debts, or some other terrible, distressing, shocking legacy. When I found the disk hidden in his closet, I feared the worst for a moment - would this be the flaw I never found in him while he was alive? I looked anyway. What did I find? Nearly 700 photos - every one taken of me when I didn't know it. Pictures of me sleeping, reading, lying on the back of the boat, putting my makeup on, etc. What man wants 683 pictures of his wife doing the most ordinary things? Mine, apparently.

New neighbors who continue to look out for me, at times not even letting me do things I could learn to do for myself. I could not have gotten through those first few days without them.

A long and cherished visit with Kirk's Dad and Sandy - approximately November 2008 to March 2009

One of my favorite things on this list - stories I am hearing of Kirk that were outside my life with him. They are such gifts to me - it's like getting to know a piece of him I never had before. Like the pretty woman who came to the calling hours and told me he had taken her to her first formal dance (now I know who the mystery girl in the picture is where he wore a baby blue tux - so 1970's!). She told me how nervous she was and that he was so handsome and such a gentleman (knowing him the way I do however, I'll bet his thoughts were not so gentlemanly!).

New co-workers who were there for me on the very first night and have been ever since.

Other women who have lost their husbands who reach out to me and help me realize I am not as crazy as I often feel.

A small town police department that probably isn't as professional as a big one would be, but is made up of decent people who are passionate about this tragedy, which makes up for the lack of expertise. Where else in our sue-at-the-drop-of-a-hat society would the police chief apologize to you and say he feels it's his fault your husband died?

A recent visit (March 2009) from our very good friends Mark and Nancy

That we all are able to not feel any guilt - we have our regrets, but none of us are carrying guilt that haunts us.

His big personality. It helps me keep him alive and constantly in my thoughts - I know how he would react to so many things. There are dozens of times each day that I think, he would have laughed at that, he would have been upset at that, he would have been proud of that, he would have talked to that stranger, and on and on.

Codie and Charley - my daily companions.

The self-confidence he gave me. Most of you who know me would never imagine how little confidence I had when I met him. The me you see today is a result of years and years of the support, encouragement, pride, and admiration he gave me, and it is no exaggeration to say that I would not be who I am now had it not been for him. More than any other, this is the trait that is helping me get through this. Little did he know how badly I would need this gift from him and how it would be put to the test.

That we bought the boat - the source of such wonderful memories.

The list begins and ends in the same place - almost thirty years together. Like I said, I ♥ Kirk.