Happiness

Today was a different kind of sad. It was quieter - more a sense of depression and futility than teary sadness. The future seems enormous and without purpose. I feel split between wanting the sadness because I am not ready to let go of him yet, and wanting to be happy again someday. I don't know how to let go and be happy. Letting go feels more sad, not less. But I don't think happiness can start to come back until I do let go. Just to be clear - I am not talking about forgetting him when I say "let go" - I just mean that I know eventually I have to stop fighting to pull him back to me. Every day, every minute, I fight letting go of him.

Before he was taken, I never paid much attention to happiness. I took it for granted - I was, as you all could probably tell, a very happy person. I also assumed that if I smiled, laughed, felt enjoyment, that all those things were a form of happiness. I now realize that I can genuinely smile and laugh - not at all in a forced way - and yet still not feel any happiness inside. Rest assured that I do smile and laugh pretty often. I know that if you just read this blog you probably wouldn't know that, because I don't write about the uncomplicated stuff like laughter. But the smiles and laughter are "nose down" - they don't reach my eyes.

I had trouble sleeping again last night, and had a dream that woke me up - couldn't go back to sleep after. I have had only four dreams that I wake up remembering since the accident. This was the first one Kirk was not in. He wasn't anywhere - not in my past, my present or my future.

In the dream, I was at a big party at a beautiful house with a gigantic yard. Everyone I really like was there - all my friends and family, so you were all there, and everyone was having a great time. It was nighttime - people were laughing, eating, dancing, playing games, and some were playing tag in the trees. It was clear that everyone was happy except me. I wanted to feel like all of you - the happiness was pulling at me. One of you (I won't mention who) could feel how close I was to letting myself be happy. You came to me and said you were going to play tag - those were the people who looked happiest. You wanted me to come with you. You didn't try to force me - just encouraged me to try. I finally let you persuade me, because the feeling of wanting the happiness was so powerful, but I felt I had to change my clothes first. I went to change and you waited. I changed into something else, but when I looked in the mirror I hated it - it felt all wrong. I changed again and still hated it. I kept changing and changing while you waited for a long time. You were patient, and kept telling me what I had on was fine, but I never found the right thing, and I woke up without ever trying the happiness.

Is this too psychoanalytical for you? I know it's geeky - Kirk used to laugh at me all the time when I tried to figure out why I had a certain dream or what it "meant." But is it so far fetched to think the dream is really about me trying to figure out how to change into someone who can be happy? And maybe not knowing which "outfit" (which new me?) will feel okay?

Or maybe it's just a weird dream. Tag? Seriously? I would have a heart attack if I tried to run around in the trees. Besides, wouldn't that require flat shoes? Ridiculous - heels are so much prettier!

I do know I want to be happy. I thought it would come easier though. I thought if I focused on appreciating what I had, and still have, I could find a way to (sometimes) be happy sooner. Or at least be both happy and sad. Turns out willpower and determination are not enough yet - not even to find little moments of happiness. I guess I will just have to keep breathing and be patient. In the meantime, don't worry about me - I'll get there.