Lisa W Is...

I am the only person I know from my generation or younger who does not have a Facebook account. Even Kirk had one that he started just a short time before he died. Everyone tells me I need one. I’ve thought about it, mainly because I would like to see the pictures that friends and family post. What I do not want, though, is to have a virtual drink, discuss what color I would be if I were a Converse sneaker, hear about the imaginary corn that people have grown, take meaningless quizzes, or have one more thing in my life to babysit or take care of. So I have resisted.

Then yesterday, Erika called to tell me she had set up a Facebook account for me. She said my sisters all have one, and I cannot be less cool than them. All I have to do is accept it. The confirmation is in my email, as are several “friend requests.” Yet still I drag my feet and cannot decide what to do. As I think about whether to accept, I keep thinking that one of the elements of Facebook is the status section. You know, where people say “Laurie Davis is…taking a shower.” “Mike Jones is…at the grocery store.” “Katie Smith is…excited about tomorrow.”

If I do this, what will I say I am? I have run through options in my head all day today. Lisa W is…

Lonely
Finally feeling successful at work again
Missing Kirk
Tired of waiting for justice
Knowing it probably won’t help
Getting used to sleeping alone
Not eating or exercising properly
Shopping too much
Working too much
Wishing she still loved music the way she used to
Horribly socially uncomfortable
Weary
Thinking that if she has a Facebook account everyone will think she is normal again
Sad
Too numb sometimes to be sad
Bothered that she does not always think of him as soon as she wakes up; glad that she still always thinks of him as she falls asleep
Not ready to get rid of any of his things
Worried she will never be ready to get rid of any of his things
Looking forward to her grief support group (how warped is that?)
Still learning how to take care of the house, the car, the bills
Tired looking
Smiling more, but not sure how she feels about it
Isolating herself, and feeling guilty about it
Missing the kids
Wishing she could undo all this and have him back
Never dreaming of him and wanting to so much
Not sure who she is anymore
Unable to come up with anything truthful that she is willing to say to the world on Facebook

I started writing this because I couldn’t figure out why I can’t seem to just make a decision one way or the other about this. Why am I so frozen with indecision about something so silly? But as my thoughts come out of my fingers, I am starting to think my real hesitation about Facebook doesn’t have anything to do with quizzes or virtual drinks. I suspect it just feels like too much exposure for me. Why I would feel that way when I expose myself much more by writing this? I think the difference is that so many people can find you on Facebook. Technology hunts you down and holds you up in front of the world, and I’m just not ready for that. This blog is known only to two groups of people – those I told about it, and strangers I will never know who have found me by accident. I am strangely helped by being exposed to the first group, and the second will never even meet me. But somehow the thought of casual acquaintances and ex-high school classmates “seeing” me right now doesn’t feel good. Lisa W is…still hiding.