3 Months Later

Today is three months. I had expected it would be a tough day, but so far most of the day was manageable. Until I had to take Codie to the vet. Her appointment was at 3:30. I had to rent a car to take her because she can't get in the truck - we always took her in Kirk's car. As anyone reading this probably knows, he died on the way to the vet. It is impossible to get there without either driving over the spot where the accident occurred, or taking some back roads that still cause me to be within about 50 yards of where it happened.

I chose the back way. I can visit the accident site, but cannot drive over it. I was teary for part of the drive, but we got there fine, and Codie had a good check up. She's in good shape for an old lady of 98 people years. But on the way back, I had to travel the exact same route, going in the exact same direction, that the other driver was on before he caused the accident. I couldn't help but think that 3 months ago today, he had no idea that within ten minutes he would kill someone. He should have known it was possible, going that fast. But for whatever reason it didn't matter to him. I passed speed limit sign after speed limit sign - they all said 45.

Then I thought about Kirk, happily coming in the other direction. He spent the afternoon going to jewelry stores (without my knowledge). It wasn't my birthday, or our anniversary, or any other occasion. He liked to surprise me for no reason. He had told the neighbors that he hadn't bought me jewelry in a year, and he felt it was time. He went to two stores - the brochures were in the car with him, the cards of salespeople in his wallet. It was just before 4:30, and he was on the phone with Kathy, who he cared about so much, talking about me and our future together - with no knowledge that the future was only 10 minutes longer. What would he have done if he had known? I'm sure he would have called me. Hopefully I would have answered.

As I was thinking all this, I realized that I was approaching the spot at just before 4:30. I got upset - I didn't want to be there at the same time the accident happened. It would have been okay if I could have stopped, but I couldn't with Codie in the car - the car is uncomfortable for her and I have to keep trips short. Fortunately I got there before the exact time. I watched the cars coming toward me - 5, 6, 7 cars - all traveling innocently and safely over the spot he never made it past. They were okay because I went the speed limit and stayed in my own lane. I'm sure they had no idea what can happen in that spot.

You would think all this would have made me sad for my loss. I was, but much more than that, I am sad for HIM today. I keep thinking of all the life he will miss. He will never

Walk his daughter down the aisle
Watch his son watch his bride walk down the aisle
Hold our grandchildren - the perfect baby for him - ours yet still OPB (his term for Other People's Babies)
Get a moose, an elk, a bear with a bow
See Australia, Hawaii, Alaska
Own a Hummer
Hunt ducks with a dog who would do anything for him
Catch absolutely no fish and love every minute on the lake anyway
See the Cowboys win the Superbowl (again)
See the Americans win the Ryder Cup (again)
See the Yankees win the World Series (AGAIN!)
Grow old with me

The last one is the biggest loss of all, because it includes everything listed before it, plus all the little, forgettable moments that make life wonderful.

Twenty eight years, three months, and twenty seven days of marriage - some sad, some angry, almost all happy - every one of them worth it. I ♥ Kirk.