Because my husband died. Since then I am confused, sad, mad, lonely, sad, frustrated, shocked and SAD. My brain is jumbled with more thoughts and feelings than I can process. I tried keeping a journal but I can't write fast enough and besides, my hand gets tired. On top of that, I am overwhelmed by the number of people who care about me. You call, you write, you visit, and I know you wonder and worry about me when you are not calling, writing and visiting, and you especially wonder and worry when I don't call or write you back. I probably hurt your feelings too. I know you all want at least these two things - you want to help, and you want to know how I am doing.
So this blog has multiple purposes. (1) It will help me answer the most dreaded question of all, the question that has no answer anymore, certainly not an answer many people want to settle in for. The question is "How are you doing?" (2) It will be my way of responding to the many caring people who call or write to check on me, most of whom I never call or write back because it is just too much. (3) It will be my way of telling you all what is happening with the court/criminal situation, which I know you all want to know, and I end up repeating over and over. 4) It will let me write what I think and feel, which hopefully will help me cope. (5) Who knows what other purpose will evolve? I guess it may turn into a tribute of sorts - to him, maybe to me, maybe to us, maybe to our family. Or it could just be what I do when I don't know what else to do.
So where to start? With his name I think - Kirk. No one around me says it anymore. They say "him" or "he" or nothing at all. His name was Kirk. He was SO alive - I can't fathom that anyone that alive is not anymore. He died on the way to the vet to pick up pills for the dog. He died four miles from home when an idiot with a bad mullet going 110 mph crossed the center line and hit his car. He died while I was at work, on the phone with someone I don't really like. It was a long call, but I'm pretty sure that right around the time he died, the person had told me something funny, and I was laughing. I HATE that I think I was laughing - with someone I don't even like - while Kirk died.
He died almost instantly, but not quite. For those who haven't heard, I now know that a caring stranger stopped to try to help, and did by holding his hand while he died. I don't know her, but will be forever grateful to her. I'm sure she wasn't laughing.
So on to the big question - How Am I Doing? The answer is that it is an impossible question. Those of you who loved him the absolute most (Matt, Erika, his Mom, his Dad , Sandy, Jill, Mark, Nancy, Brian, Kathy, etc., etc.) know that by now. I suspect that like me, you may have come to dread the question because it is so unanswerable.
So I say "as well as can be expected." As if that tells anyone anything. Especially because I now know that what we all would have expected a person who just lost her husband to be feeling is often NOT what I am feeling. Your expectations about what it is like to lose a spouse this way are probably similar to mine. First of all, I would have thought that it would get a little better each day. It hasn't - it is up and down and all over the place, and changes from minute to minute, not day to day. Second, I would have thought that I would be totally incapacitated with grief (at least some of the time). I mean really non-functional - can't get out of bed can't go to work can't sleep without pills cry 100% of the time non-functional. But I am not (this is a complicated subject and too big to elaborate on today - perhaps another day). Third, I would have thought that I would not be able to genuinely laugh and smile at anything, but I can (I don't feel genuinely happy when I do it, but I'm not faking either). Fourth, I would have thought I would bury myself in work, but I don't. Ironically, I go home earlier now than I ever have (sorry honey...). Fifth, I would have thought I would be scared and overwhelmed to live in the house without him, but I am definitely not. I don't like it, and I miss him terribly, but I'm not scared. Sixth, etc., etc. The point is it is not what I expected and too complex to explain. So instead I will ramble, and over time, you will hopefully come to know the answer. Maybe I will too.
So what can you expect next? I'm not really sure. I will write when I want or need to, but probably not more than a few times a week. I suspect it may be more at first and less over time. What will I write? I think it will primarily be two things - whatever is in my head or heart that I need to get out, and updates with new information that I want to share (such as the progress of the case). Feel free to comment and write back, and to give the link to anyone else who might want to read this.
One final comment - you may at times read things here that upset you, and especially may hear me say things that you think I shouldn't feel (like feeling bad about the laughing). I need you all to please not tell me I shouldn't feel that way. I know all that, but it doesn't change anything. I have learned that how I feel is how I feel and no amount of reason or logic changes it - only time will. When people tell me I shouldn't feel something, I know they mean it out of the good of their hearts, but it makes me feel dismissed or like they think I am doing this wrong. The worst is when someone says "he wouldn't want you to feel that way." I DO feel that way - I don't need the burden of feeling like I am letting him down.
Thanks to all of you who care - I may not respond, but you are helping me more than you can know.
For Kirk - I love you. I am missing you right now. Nite nite my love.
