Deep Thinking

Let me start by saying that this is not a sad post. I suspect sometimes you can’t quite tell what my mood is when I am writing. Right now, if I had to describe what I am feeling it would be “observing myself with amusement.”

I have an outside these days that has no relation to the person on the inside. I work, and am back to doing as good a job as ever. I run errands, and interact with people as if I were ordinary.

That’s the outside me, who functions and smiles and works and buys milk. To observers, she looks in control and relaxed. The inside me, though, is in a crazy state of turmoil all the time. Not always bad or emotional turmoil. Just a constant state of thinking – kind of like a massive bee hive. This is the me I am laughing at.

I know it probably comes as a surprise to no one that I am in this state. My friend Cheryl, who also used to be my boss, used to call me her “deep thinker.” Probably a very nice way of saying I can make a science project out of the simplest task. But grieving has launched this deep thinker into warp speed. While the outside me has the illusion of normality, the inside me is in thinking overdrive.

So what is occupying all this mental energy? Analysis, of course. Of everything, both large and small. Where Kirk is, what he is, why David Cook was driving that way, what do the dogs feel, how to help the kids, what will come next, how to invest the insurance money, why do I feel bad about the insurance money, whether David Cook’s parents have responsibility, should I have Lasik surgery, when will I want to dance in my car again, why doesn’t he give me a sign, how can I give back to everyone who has helped me, how am I going to remember the heartworm medicine every month, are people really upset that I haven’t called back, how will I ever be able to move away from this house, the pros and cons of buying the ingredients I will need for Thanksgiving now, who can I give his important things to that will care about and use them the way he would, can I handle washing the sheets finally, is the weight training I am doing too much or too little for me to handle, how can I find someone I can cry in front of and who can drive the boat so I can have one last day on it, why why why doesn’t anyone here ask about him, do I look a million years old, when will I be happy again, how much more do I need to save for retirement without his income, why the heck don’t I have any imagination about cooking, should I pay someone to clean the house for me, what car should I buy, what should I do for his birthday in two weeks, where do I want to be on our anniversary, are the massages I am getting worth the money and will they have a cumulative good effect or only the pleasure they bring while they are happening, should I have New Years Eve at our house like always even though everyone will be partnered up at midnight except for me, can I handle going to the wedding I am invited to, on and on and on… Every single one of these thoughts is accompanied by mental lists of pros and cons, alternatives, options, etc. The only break I get is when I stop long enough to laugh at how ridiculously analytical I am.

So why am I amused right now? Because I realized today that I was deep in thought about – maybe you guessed it - analyzing why I am so analytical :). I mean really thinking hard about it - was it my childhhod, is it innate, is it a coping mechanism to keep me sane, etc., etc. If Kirk can see me, he is laughing and shaking his head and wishing I would just RELAX a little. Whenever he looked at me and I was in heavy thinking mode, he would say “Stop it or your face will freeze that way.” And I would realize my face was all scrunched up. He was right, by the way – the deepest old age line I have is in between my eyebrows right where my face scrunches when I think hard. It really DID freeze that way. I predict it will soon be the size of the Grand Canyon.

My Aunt Marcia has a t-shirt that says “Does ‘anal-retentive’ have a hyphen in it?” I love that t-shirt. I am not anal-retentive, but I think my analysis problem is not too far removed. If anyone sees a t-shirt for crazy deep thinkers, send it my way.