Toothpaste Spatters and Unwashed Sheets

Today one of the neighbors told me she's having a garage sale - did I need to get rid of anything? I know she didn't mean Kirk's things - she was just being helpful. But just the question made me freeze. NO - I do not want to get rid of anything. I want it all just like it was when he was here.

His laundry is still in the hamper.
His toothpaste and shaving cream spatters are still on his mirror (he was messy - there's LOTS).
His soap is still in the shower (How long does it take an untouched bar of soap to disappear? Answer - just over 3 months; it was new and now it's a small sliver).
His shampoo bottle is in the shower too.
His sneakers are under the desk right where he left them.
His magazines are waiting for him in the bathroom.
His clothes are still in the closet and the drawers.
I had his ring resized and now I wear it - I traded with him so he has mine with him. We never exchanged rings when we got married - it seemed like the right time now.
I store every card, note, piece of jewelry he gave me, and photo with him in it in the bathroom that is the tornado shelter, so there is minimal risk of losing them.
All the food he had in the freezer that I don't like and will never ever eat (venison, scallops, etc.) is still there.
The wine and beer I will not drink is untouched.
Every piece of paper I find with his handwriting gets saved - phone numbers on the backs of envelopes, grocery lists on paper scraps - all of it.
His voice is on the voice mail so I can hear him when I need to.
I'm even saving odds and ends that I always threw away before - lighters, pennies, old pens. They have no connection to him - they are just things that I find in my car, or an old purse, or the junk drawer. The only connection is that he would have kept them. So I do too.

Weirdest of all, I have still not changed the sheets. Why? I keep thinking I will smell him. I want so much to lie in our bed and be surrounded by him. I sleep on his side now, and have since the very first night. The mattress pillowtop is more worn down on his side, and I get a backache from sleeping there, but I don't care. I even took his favorite (clean) fishing shirt and put it on my pillow as a pillow case. I bury my face in the pillows, the covers, and breathe deep - hoping for just a little of him. It isn't there - it wasn't even there the first night. Still, I don't give up hope. I inhale every time I turn over or adjust the covers - maybe this is the time I will smell him. It doesn't happen, but I keep hoping. The sheets are feeling pretty yucky, but they are the ones he last slept on. Embarassing as it is, I'm just not ready to wash him away.

Next to his ring and pictures of him, my favorite thing of all is the shirt he wore the night before the accident - a white golf shirt. He made spaghetti that night, as evidenced by the sauce drips on the front of the shirt. The night of the accident, one of my neighbors went into our closet and found it for me - probably in the top of his hamper. She knew I needed something to hold on to, and brought it to me without my asking. It was the best thing anyone could have done. It DOES smell like him, and also, it has tiny hair clippings inside the neck - he got a haircut that day. I slept in it for the first several nights, but then I got worried it would lose his smell and take on mine instead, and that the hair clippings would get brushed off. Now I keep it in a drawer all by itself, and take it out and put my face in it when I need a fix.

I know this all sounds sad and depressing, but for me it's not. The sad and depressing is that he's gone - keeping all his things the same gives me comfort. I like the toothpaste, the scribbled notes, the kitchen just the way he left it.

So I dragged out a bunch of my stuff I don't need and sent it over for the garage sale. Nothing of his. I go on vacation next week - I'll think about the sheets when I get back...