My New Travel Reality

Today I go see Erika – I am writing this on the plane. I will stay with her for a few days, then go to a lake in the Adirondacks in NY to visit Mark and Nancy and my sister Jennifer and her family. Turns out they both vacation at the same lake the same week every year and we never knew it before.

I have been looking forward to this trip, which will let me spend time with people who are some of the most comforting people for me to be around. Yet I cried most of the way to the airport and I am struggling not to right now. This is the second time I have traveled since the accident, not counting the travel to and from NY for the funeral. I have traveled quite a bit in my career, and never used to mind traveling alone. It’s all different now. I never realized before how important it was to have someone at home. It made the aloneness only temporary, whereas now it is an in-my-face reminder that this is my new life.

Now when I leave for the airport, no one notices (no PERSON anyway). No one looks forward to my return. He doesn’t call me when I’m in the airport; I don’t text him just before I shut down my phone on the plane. I won’t be calling home to tell him I got there safely, and he won’t be saying he misses me already. Traveling alone has become traveling ALONE.

On top of that, it is tough to leave Codie and Charley. Their lives are so different now. Because he worked from home, neither of them has ever had a time in their lives when they were alone all day. It’s hard enough seeing how forlorn they look when I leave for work each day – it’s worse when I leave for a trip. Today Codie tried to follow me to the car – I had to make her go back inside and close the door while she stood there. It makes me feel so sad and guilty. I have a great dog sitter who stays at the house with them, and they love her, but it’s not the same.

On my last trip, I learned that coming home is even worse. I will not call him when I land. All around me, I will hear people on the phone – “I’m here – meet me at…” or “We’re on the ground – I’ll be home soon.” No one will care that I am on the ground, or driving home, and just plain home. The kiss chair will be empty, and no one will have made one of my favorite foods to say “I’m glad you’re back.”

This trip to see Erika is especially hard because we were supposed to go together. Kirk and I had never been to Vegas together at all, much less to visit her. She has lived there for almost four years, and we had still not gotten out there. The timing was always wrong, for us or for her. We had agreed this was the year we would go – no specific date, but likely in June. The week of the accident, we had started looking at dates. He wanted me to play the slots, and kept telling me that if I won a little, I needed to make a big fuss, screaming and jumping up and down (definitely NOT my style). He was convinced that casinos loved people who made a big scene when they won, and that if you did it they would make sure your machine cooperated and you won even more (you will notice it wasn’t HIM who was supposed to act like an idiot in order to test this theory). I am so looking forward to seeing her but can’t help thinking that I should have been doing it with him.

But I will remind myself that the good things in life are still good even though they are not the same, and even though I wish they were. I will still be glad to see Erika, and will still enjoy meeting her friends. I will have a good time at the lake, and I may even let Mark teach me to fish. I will for sure let Sean make me a drink just the way I like it. I know there will be tears over the next few days. Even still, I am hoping that somewhere on this trip I will have the first little moment when my inside happiness comes back.