An Ordinary Day

Today was a day that was ordinary by most standards, but that was composed of lots of baby steps for me. I started off by going to pick up the boat from the dealer. The week before the accident, Kirk was out on the lake with the boat, and someone hit the trailer while it was parked. He came back to find it damaged. I have been waiting for the fender to come in from the factory – it is a custom color and had to be ordered. Two weeks ago, my friend Leon came over and we towed it in to have it fixed, and today we picked it up. While I was there, I talked to them about selling it for me. That was the baby step. It breaks my heart to think about selling it. We agreed that I would think about what I want for it and when I am ready they will sell it on consignment. In order to do that, I will have to empty out all the compartments in the boat. That will be a giant step. Inside are his poles, lures, tools, and all the other paraphernalia of a day on the boat. I dread it. We were so happy on that boat.

Then I went and had a massage. I decided to do it because I need to be touched. I miss touch so much. The only person who touches me for any length of time is my hairdresser, when he washes my hair. I cry every time. I decided I better find a way to get touched more, and this was the only legal thing I could think of :). It was pretty nice and I only cried a little. But the weirdest part was that when it was over, and I was getting dressed, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had done something wrong – almost like I betrayed him by letting someone touch me. I don’t know why – he would be happy I had a massage. But it still felt awful. I will go again though – I think it will help me eventually.

Then I went to look for a new car. I really like the Avalanche – it is great to drive, and more importantly, it was his. I hate to give it up, but I need to – a truck does not make sense for my needs. So I started car shopping. I didn’t want to do it alone – too often car salespeople act like you don’t have a brain if you are a woman alone. But I decided not to ask a man to help – I might as well get used to this. The tough part of it was that you could just feel them wanting to ask what my deal was. They see my wedding ring, and ask if I will be purchasing the car jointly. I just say no. They ask how I qualify for the GM discount, and I say through my father-in-law. You can feel the question I will not answer hanging in the air. Then they show me the car, and every feature made for two people hurts. Dual zone climate control. Memory seats with a button for each driver. Separate favorites settings for the radio. As they point out all these features, all I can think is that I don’t need them. One of all these settings will go unused.

Then I grocery shopped. I obviously have been doing it since I lost him. I never did it when he was here. Up until today I have been okay with it, but today in Super WalMart I had an overwhelming moment where I was so resentful I literally felt like I wanted to scream. I don’t want to grocery shop. I shouldn’t have to grocery shop. It‘s not fair or right that I have to.

Just a day filled with the tasks and errands that most people do. Filled with challenges that most people don’t have to face. It’s the new ordinary for me. I am, unfortunately, getting used to it.