More than any other topic, I am now consumed with the afterlife. Whether there is one, and what it is like, and most of all, how it relates to our world. I can’t quite bring myself to believe without proof. I constantly watch for “signs” that he is nearby, or with me somehow. When I talk to him out loud (which I do pretty often) this is one of the most frequent topics – “please send me a sign.” A tall order to give to someone who has no physical self, especially when the recipient is the over-analytical, "prove-it-to-me" freak that I am.
So far, here’s what I’ve got:
· No matter how cold and miserable the weather is when I visit the cemetery, the sun has come out every time I have sat there and asked for a sign
· Codie, who never makes eye contact for very long, has twice stared into my eyes with an intensity I have never seen before (I know - this one is especially lame)
· Three days in a row while I was either not home or was sleeping, a bird somehow got into the house (Kirk really liked birds). The bird and I have a routine now - I open the front door and hold a Swiffer Sweeper up in the air, and he flies out the door.
· When I was at the cemetery one day quietly talking to him out loud about the nature there and how much he would like it, a deer came out of the woods, and four birds landed next to me, and a butterfly or something landed on my head. In my surprise at the butterfly, I of course reacted by whacking it off my head and yelling out loud that there was Nature in my hair. Needless to say, all the members of Nature left.
· His sneakers are still tucked back under the desk in the office right where he left them. I use the office quite a bit, and always push the chair back under the desk. On one of the worst days I have had so far, I came home to find the chair pulled out and turned toward the office door, and one sneaker out in the middle of the room – about 5 feet from where it had been.
· On the plane the other day, after writing the last blog entry, I was feeling really sad, and decided to try to sleep. I put my iPod on and finally dozed off. I woke up later, and the first words I heard were from the end of a Simon and Garfunkel song that we always listened to on the boat, and they were “I love you, girl, Oh I love you.”
And finally, my favorite - on July 25, I was feeling terribly sad and confused about where he is, and wrote the “Where Are You?” entry to the blog. I stayed up very late after posting it because I was too sad to get into bed, but finally at 2 a.m., decided to try to sleep. I went into the office to shut down the computer, and there was a pop up window on the screen. I tried to close it but accidentally opened it instead, and it took me to YouTube, where there was a banner link for a video by Jim Brickman and Lady Antebellum. I had never heard of the song before, and clicked on it only because Kirk loved Jim Brickman (which I used to mock him heartily about due to the geekiness factor), and I love Lady Antebellum. It turned out to be a song called “Never Alone” that they did several years ago before Lady Antebellum was successful. It is about how we even when we are apart from the people we love, their love stays with us and keeps us from being truly alone. The words felt like they were speaking right to me, or like they were what I would say to him.
Are all these things coincidental? Very likely. After each one I tell him that if that was him, I appreciate the effort, but it wasn’t quite good enough – he has to do something that can have NO other explanation in order for me to be sure. I have visions of him sitting there half laughing at how typical of me it is to demand proof, and half exasperated that I expect so much of a person who isn’t even a physical person anymore.
Am I geeky and sappy to think that some of this might actually be him? For sure – but let me tell you, when you lose someone you love so much, you start to grasp at every possibility. Is it ridiculous? Maybe. Or maybe, it’s the beginning of faith - the first crack in the demand for the logical. That would be okay with me. Maybe it’s even what is required of me. Maybe rather than ask so much of him in the way of evidence, the burden is really on me. To let go of the demands and just believe.
Maybe he will someday signal me in a way that leaves no doubt. But if not, I hope one day I will have faith. Not God faith, because to me this question is not a God question. Just Kirk faith, afterlife faith. I’m not there yet, but maybe someday.
In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, he really did send me this song. Whether or not he did, I will share it here (although I would suggest anyone who is interested go to YouTube and listen – it is a very nice song and reading it does not do it justice). It makes me feel sad, happy, comforted, lonely, hopeful, understood – come to think of it, all the feelings I have about him. From him to me, or from me to him, or from him to the kids, or any other way – it works no matter how you interpret it.
So far, here’s what I’ve got:
· No matter how cold and miserable the weather is when I visit the cemetery, the sun has come out every time I have sat there and asked for a sign
· Codie, who never makes eye contact for very long, has twice stared into my eyes with an intensity I have never seen before (I know - this one is especially lame)
· Three days in a row while I was either not home or was sleeping, a bird somehow got into the house (Kirk really liked birds). The bird and I have a routine now - I open the front door and hold a Swiffer Sweeper up in the air, and he flies out the door.
· When I was at the cemetery one day quietly talking to him out loud about the nature there and how much he would like it, a deer came out of the woods, and four birds landed next to me, and a butterfly or something landed on my head. In my surprise at the butterfly, I of course reacted by whacking it off my head and yelling out loud that there was Nature in my hair. Needless to say, all the members of Nature left.
· His sneakers are still tucked back under the desk in the office right where he left them. I use the office quite a bit, and always push the chair back under the desk. On one of the worst days I have had so far, I came home to find the chair pulled out and turned toward the office door, and one sneaker out in the middle of the room – about 5 feet from where it had been.
· On the plane the other day, after writing the last blog entry, I was feeling really sad, and decided to try to sleep. I put my iPod on and finally dozed off. I woke up later, and the first words I heard were from the end of a Simon and Garfunkel song that we always listened to on the boat, and they were “I love you, girl, Oh I love you.”
And finally, my favorite - on July 25, I was feeling terribly sad and confused about where he is, and wrote the “Where Are You?” entry to the blog. I stayed up very late after posting it because I was too sad to get into bed, but finally at 2 a.m., decided to try to sleep. I went into the office to shut down the computer, and there was a pop up window on the screen. I tried to close it but accidentally opened it instead, and it took me to YouTube, where there was a banner link for a video by Jim Brickman and Lady Antebellum. I had never heard of the song before, and clicked on it only because Kirk loved Jim Brickman (which I used to mock him heartily about due to the geekiness factor), and I love Lady Antebellum. It turned out to be a song called “Never Alone” that they did several years ago before Lady Antebellum was successful. It is about how we even when we are apart from the people we love, their love stays with us and keeps us from being truly alone. The words felt like they were speaking right to me, or like they were what I would say to him.
Are all these things coincidental? Very likely. After each one I tell him that if that was him, I appreciate the effort, but it wasn’t quite good enough – he has to do something that can have NO other explanation in order for me to be sure. I have visions of him sitting there half laughing at how typical of me it is to demand proof, and half exasperated that I expect so much of a person who isn’t even a physical person anymore.
Am I geeky and sappy to think that some of this might actually be him? For sure – but let me tell you, when you lose someone you love so much, you start to grasp at every possibility. Is it ridiculous? Maybe. Or maybe, it’s the beginning of faith - the first crack in the demand for the logical. That would be okay with me. Maybe it’s even what is required of me. Maybe rather than ask so much of him in the way of evidence, the burden is really on me. To let go of the demands and just believe.
Maybe he will someday signal me in a way that leaves no doubt. But if not, I hope one day I will have faith. Not God faith, because to me this question is not a God question. Just Kirk faith, afterlife faith. I’m not there yet, but maybe someday.
In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, he really did send me this song. Whether or not he did, I will share it here (although I would suggest anyone who is interested go to YouTube and listen – it is a very nice song and reading it does not do it justice). It makes me feel sad, happy, comforted, lonely, hopeful, understood – come to think of it, all the feelings I have about him. From him to me, or from me to him, or from him to the kids, or any other way – it works no matter how you interpret it.
Never Alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it’s time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
And know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone
Well I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I’m not gonna promise the cold winds won’t blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it’s time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You’re never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you’re never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
YouTube address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pXrMPtCVcE
YouTube address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pXrMPtCVcE
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