Loss of Feeling

I saw him today. The person who killed Kirk – I saw him for the first time. There was an arraignment, and I went, and he was there. Cleaned up now – no more mullet, decent pants and sport coat. But the face was unmistakable – still young, still pudgy, still blank. I was very nervous ahead of time about seeing him. I thought I would be overwhelmed. With anger, or sadness, or both. That maybe I would want to hit him. Or confront him, to make sure he knows how he has hurt us. Or to look in his eyes and ask why – what is the TRUTH of that day?

But incredibly, I felt nothing at all. Just empty, and lonely, and a little sick to my stomach. But no emotion toward him whatsoever. I couldn’t believe it – I was (and still am) shocked at myself.

What is wrong with me? How could I see the person who killed – KILLED – the person I loved so much, lived with every day, was supposed to grow old with, and feel no feelings? I have let Kirk down again. I know what you are all thinking reading this. You are protesting, composing the email you will send me or message you will leave me – “don’t feel that way,” or “you haven’t failed him.” I think I have though. It has to be a failure to be unable to muster up any emotion toward a person I should feel so much about. If someone had killed me, I know Kirk would be so angry for me, for him, for the kids, for everyone else. But I had nothing. I haven’t felt anger at this person for so long, but I thought seeing him would trigger it. I don’t understand myself.

As I sat in the car afterward, I tried to sort out my feelings – or lack thereof. At first, my analytical nature kicked in – feebly - as I tried to figure it out. Maybe I am numb. Or still in denial. Or unable to connect this harmless looking person with the awful thing that he did. But I gave up – I have no energy anymore for analysis. I just know I didn’t feel anything. Except for when I was in the hall afterward and had to choose whether to walk within two feet of him, or hang back. I started toward him, but turned back after a few steps. I couldn’t do it – come so close to him. It was like there was a field surrounding him I couldn’t bring myself to enter. I don’t know what I thought would happen – that I would shove him? Give away my presence, let on who I was? Start to cry? All I know is that there was no way I was getting so close to the person who sent Kirk so far away.

When I left the courthouse, I drove for a while, not going anywhere in particular. I ended up sitting in parking lot thinking some more. As I sat there, I realized that nearly two years ago I sat in the same parking lot. It was the day before I interviewed for my job here, and I had arrived a day early so I could look at the area. I pulled into the parking lot to look at a map, and while I was looking, Kirk called me. I remember the call – he got online and was looking at the area also, and we talked about where I should go to look around. Our goal was to try to see what the neighborhoods in the area were like. We were hoping to find an area near the water, so we would have easy access with the boat. Kirk realized that I was just a couple of miles from a lake, and got excited because it looked like there was a neighborhood with easy water access, so he asked me to go there. I did, and we talked the whole way, only to find that the “neighborhood” he saw on the map was part run down trailer park and part crazy religious compound. We laughed and talked about which one we would fit better in, and decided the trailer park was the place for us. It made me sad and happy today to sit in the spot where we had a happy, normal conversation, about the promise of a new phase of our lives.

I apologize for disappearing on all of you for so long. I know it has worried you. It’s not just the blog I have been neglecting – it’s the estate attorneys, the financial planners, the tombstone company, the insurance companies. I owe them all answers, and I have ignored them all. I have been busy, but that wasn’t really why. I think it is mostly that I have been so empty. Sad at times, but mostly just empty, almost devoid of feeling, and not thinking much either – I just haven’t been able to summon up the energy for it. No feeling and thinking means nothing to say, no need to write. Today seems to have caused a crack in that though. Soon after I left the courthouse I discovered I seem to be “feeling” a little again. Weird to say, but I hope if feeling is coming back that it’s sadness. I’m not ready to be done with the sadness yet.

As I start writing again, here is what I most want to say. I LOVE KIRK. When I don’t write, there is no one to say it to, and now that I am writing again it feels like it’s all that wants to come out of my fingers. I LOVE KIRK I LOVE KIRK I LOVE KIRK. You are the only audience that makes me feel like I can say it as much as I want, so I hope you’re still out there.

Enough for tonight – I will be back soon.