Stuck

I feel stuck. Nothing is changing, getting better, getting worse. The last few weeks are the longest I have gone with so little variation in emotion and mental state. I keep feeling like I should be pushing myself to take more baby steps back into the world, because I feel like I will never go back out there, never have any semblance of normal life, unless I make myself.

For example, I feel like I should be able to go to a bar. Just to hang out with friends or neighbors. But I am frozen at the thought. Why? Two reasons. First, I don’t want anyone to think I’m over him. The simple act of going out with friends seems loaded with meaning, seems to misinform the world that I am okay now. I hate the thought of anyone thinking I don’t miss him, that I wouldn’t rather be home with him. Also, I am consumed with the thought that people will think I am looking for a guy. It’s stupid, I know. After all, when I had Kirk and I went out with friends and he wasn’t with me, I never assumed that anyone thought I was looking for someone. I guess I feel like I now emanate aloneness, and that everyone will think I’m there looking for companionship. I know this is crazy, but it’s all I can think about, and I can’t stand that anyone might think it. I have no concern at all that anyone will actually approach me – that thought doesn’t even occur to me. I am only worried that people will think I WANT to be approached, when in fact it is absolutely the last thing I would want.

All my neighbors go to the only bar in town and they often ask me to go. There are live bands that play, which in my other life I would have enjoyed. I don’t really want to go, but I do want to WANT to go – to feel able to go. So far I haven’t said yes, because I don’t know how I will do, and don’t want to have to explain myself if I leave after 5 minutes. So when my sister was here recently, I decided that we should go - a practice run if you will. That way if I got freaked out and had to leave I could just go home and she of course would understand. We got ready to leave the house, and as I was about to get my coat, I realized I had taken my rings off to wash my hands and hadn’t put them back on. The thought that I almost left the house without my rings made me feel panicked, like I couldn't breathe. They are my armor - my signal to the world that I love someone, I belong to someone, I don’t need or want anyone else.

Then when we got there, we walked in, and standing just inside the front door was the chief of police from our town. The one who came to the house to tell me Kirk was dead. The one who has been passionate about wanting to see the person who killed Kirk held responsible. The one who was quoted in the paper saying that telling me Kirk had been killed was the hardest moment of his entire career. The last person I wanted to have see me in a bar, looking normal on the outside, only 9 months after my husband died. I think I only lasted 30 minutes before I needed to leave,and the whole time I was self-conscious, worried what he was thinking. And now I keep feeling like I need to call him and explain – tell him it was an only an experiment, tell him I am still lost, ask him to please still care. I hate that he saw me there. So much for that experiment.

I also feel like I should be making small steps toward not having Kirk’s things be just like he left them. I should try something small. Maybe get rid of his shampoo bottle in the shower. Or the sliver of his soap that is still there. Or I could clean his sink or mirror – wipe away his toothpaste spatters, the tiny hairs that fell from his electric razor. I could give some of his clothes to charity – just a jacket or some pants or something. Or even do something as small as pick up the shirts he left hanging to dry in the laundry room and just move them to our closet. But I can’t stand the thought of even these small steps. And yet I am very worried that twenty years from now I will still be here, nothing different, the house a shrine to him, frozen in time. I don’t want to be that widow – the one who gets stuck in the past forever. But how do I stop her from happening if after almost 10 months I can’t even move a shirt from the laundry room to the closet?

I guess I just don’t know if making progress will happen if I just wait long enough, or if it will only happen if I make it happen one step at a time. So here I sit – stuck.

Lisa W Is...

I am the only person I know from my generation or younger who does not have a Facebook account. Even Kirk had one that he started just a short time before he died. Everyone tells me I need one. I’ve thought about it, mainly because I would like to see the pictures that friends and family post. What I do not want, though, is to have a virtual drink, discuss what color I would be if I were a Converse sneaker, hear about the imaginary corn that people have grown, take meaningless quizzes, or have one more thing in my life to babysit or take care of. So I have resisted.

Then yesterday, Erika called to tell me she had set up a Facebook account for me. She said my sisters all have one, and I cannot be less cool than them. All I have to do is accept it. The confirmation is in my email, as are several “friend requests.” Yet still I drag my feet and cannot decide what to do. As I think about whether to accept, I keep thinking that one of the elements of Facebook is the status section. You know, where people say “Laurie Davis is…taking a shower.” “Mike Jones is…at the grocery store.” “Katie Smith is…excited about tomorrow.”

If I do this, what will I say I am? I have run through options in my head all day today. Lisa W is…

Lonely
Finally feeling successful at work again
Missing Kirk
Tired of waiting for justice
Knowing it probably won’t help
Getting used to sleeping alone
Not eating or exercising properly
Shopping too much
Working too much
Wishing she still loved music the way she used to
Horribly socially uncomfortable
Weary
Thinking that if she has a Facebook account everyone will think she is normal again
Sad
Too numb sometimes to be sad
Bothered that she does not always think of him as soon as she wakes up; glad that she still always thinks of him as she falls asleep
Not ready to get rid of any of his things
Worried she will never be ready to get rid of any of his things
Looking forward to her grief support group (how warped is that?)
Still learning how to take care of the house, the car, the bills
Tired looking
Smiling more, but not sure how she feels about it
Isolating herself, and feeling guilty about it
Missing the kids
Wishing she could undo all this and have him back
Never dreaming of him and wanting to so much
Not sure who she is anymore
Unable to come up with anything truthful that she is willing to say to the world on Facebook

I started writing this because I couldn’t figure out why I can’t seem to just make a decision one way or the other about this. Why am I so frozen with indecision about something so silly? But as my thoughts come out of my fingers, I am starting to think my real hesitation about Facebook doesn’t have anything to do with quizzes or virtual drinks. I suspect it just feels like too much exposure for me. Why I would feel that way when I expose myself much more by writing this? I think the difference is that so many people can find you on Facebook. Technology hunts you down and holds you up in front of the world, and I’m just not ready for that. This blog is known only to two groups of people – those I told about it, and strangers I will never know who have found me by accident. I am strangely helped by being exposed to the first group, and the second will never even meet me. But somehow the thought of casual acquaintances and ex-high school classmates “seeing” me right now doesn’t feel good. Lisa W is…still hiding.

Little Known Facts and Causes for Celebration

Happy Groundhog’s Day to all! Today was Kirk’s second favorite holiday of the year (only Thanksgiving ranks higher). A strange second choice to be sure, but as you know, he loved to be different. So in honor of Kirk and his love of Puxatawney Phil, here are some little known facts that he would be happy for you to know:

(Disclaimer – I cannot be held responsible for the spelling of Puxatawney. I am in fact spelling it wrong and I do not care - there are too many letters for even the most uptight person to type correctly over and over)

1. Puxatawney Phil has been predicting the duration of winter for over 220 years. The hog you see today is the original varmint from the 1880s - he is immortal due to the dose of groundhog punch that he consumes every year at a special summer ceremony.

2. The care and feeding of Puxatawney Phil and the management of his high profile forecasting career fall to a group of professional handlers known as the Inside Circle.

3. This year, for the first time, one of the handlers was put in charge of Phil’s social networking activities, and arranged for Phil to Tweet his forecast to the world immediately. However a hacker hijacked Phil’s Twitter broadcast this morning, causing it to fail. Something to look forward to in 2011…

4. Puxatawney Phil does not actually predict the forecast by seeing or not seeing his shadow. Instead, he whispers his prediction to his handler.

5. PETA has petitioned the Inner Circle to replace Phil with a robot, as they believe that waking him up from his winter nap is cruel and negatively impacts his quality of life. (Seriously?! Don't they know he's immortal?)

6. Puxatawney Phil’s forecasts were studied by National Geographic and found to have a historical average of 40% accuracy. Not too impressive - until you discover that they also analyzed the accuracy of human weather forecasters and found them to be accurate (you guessed it!) about 40% of the time.

7. There is only ONE Puxatawney Phil, and only he is qualified to predict the end of winter. Staten Island Chuck, Ohio Chuck, General Beauregard Lee, Jimmy the Groundhog, and Sir Walter Wally are but a few of the Puxatawney Phil wannabes. Do not be fooled by imitators!

And finally, one more little known fact courtesy of Kirk. In case Groundhog’s Day is not reason enough for you to celebrate, I am happy to tell you that it is also (drum roll please) National Grapefruit Month! Party responsibly everyone…